Does my bike work?

If you are unsure if your bike is worth it when it comes to you working it, you've come to the right place. Check out this sick checklist, which covers pretty much everything you need to confirm to prevent common touring mechanicals.

Drivetrain

Component	Test	How to Confirm
Wheels	Should be true and not wobbly	With the bike in a stand or upside down, spin each wheel. Watch the wheel as it passes by the frame. - Wheel should not deflect more than an eighth inch - There should be no grinding noises; wheel should spin freely Holding the frame/fork steady, try to push each wheel laterally. It should not move.
Chain	Should be properly lubed and tensioned	For bikes with no chain tensioner - grab the chain above the stay and try to move it up and down. It should not be completely taut, but should not move more than 3/4" top to bottom. Ride the bike around the block. Does your chain make a noise? Lube that fucker with real bike lube.
Derailleurs, if present	Should traverse the entire range of the gears	With the bike in a stand or holding up the rear wheel, pedal the bike manually. For each shifter: - shift to the very bottom of the gear range - shift to the very top of the gear range - shift back to the middle (big front ring if you're running a double up front) The derailleurs should move easily, and the chain should engage with each of your gears without a fight. If you have exposed shift cables (i.e. just the metal cable without plastic housing is exposed for more than a couple inches) at no point should they be so loose that they're flopping around.
Shifters, if present	Should engage with gears properly	Ride your bike around the block. If you have a newer bike or one with an internally geared hub (fat thing in the back), you have indexed shifting. Each click of your shifter should smoothly move you up or down a gear. If your drivetrain rattles for a few seconds before shifting, no bueno.
Pedals	Should spin freely	I think you have a good idea of how to test this
Cranks + bottom bracket	Should be properly installed and not damaged	With your bike on the ground: - hold the frame and try to laterally shake the shit out of your drive-side (with the chain) crank arm - do the same thing to the other arm - grab both arms and try to move them radially relative to each other - inspect the arms for cracks or other damage If either of the arms wiggle relative to the frame or each other, no bueno.

Brakes

Component	Test	How to Confirm
Disc Brakes		Inspect the disc. Is it visibly worn, dirty, or has anyone touched it with their hands? No bueno.
Rim Brakes		Inspect your brake pads. If they're visibly worn or uneven, no bueno. Inspect the rim surface. If it's heavily gouged (visibly concave), no bueno. Ride your bike around the block. If when you engage a brake, it sticks to the rim rather than re-centering, no bueno.
All brakes	Should have proper cable pull	With your bike in a stand or the wheels elevated: - Spin the wheel freely. The brakes should not make a rubbing noise (discs may make a very small, intermittent one) - Try to jiggle the brake lever. If it jiggles freely without moving the brakes, no bueno. If there is exposed brake cable, and it is loose to where it's floppy, no bueno. Ride your bike around the block. - Pull the back brake lever until it just about skids the wheel. - Do the same for the front. Your brake lever should not be touching the handlebars at any time. Ideally it shouldn't need to move that far.

Contact Points

Component	Test	How to Confirm
Saddle	Should not be loose or hurt your junk	Shake the saddle around. It shouldn't move. Then ride your bike around for a couple miles. Are there hot spots or rubbing? Do you find yourself needing to adjust to reduce discomfort on your junk or back? No bueno.
Tires	Should be in good shape, not a weird size	Normal sizes of tire that you can expect to be sold at shops are: - 27 x 1-1/4 - 700c x 23-32 - 26" x 1.75, 1.90 or 2.xx (MUST BE DECIMAL NO FRACTIONS) If your tire is any different size, consider bringing a spare tire. Even with a regular size, consider bringing a spare tire. Do not ride on knobbly tires unless you want to piss yourself off with the constant buzzing and leech energy from your legs for no reason. Rotate the wheel and observe the sidewall and tread: - Sidewall should have no scrapes or exposed threads - There should be no visible bald spots in your tread - There should not be random shit stuck in your tread - Tire should sit on wheel evenly (no change in height when viewed from the side) when inflated to max pressure
Handlebars	Should be in good shape, not hurt your wrists	For every lever on your handlebars, grab it and try to shake it. They should not budge. If you have non-flat bars, grab them and try to tilt them up and down. They should not rotate. If you have flat bars, for the love of god get some bar ends because you'll need more than one hand position for a longer ride. Ride your bike around the block. Are your wrists in a neutral position? Do your shoulders feel good or hunched? Do the grips/tape feel comfy, not loose, and not destroyed?

Frame

Component	Test	How to Confirm
Fit	Should fit	If you don't ride this bike regularly, have someone take a photo of you from the side in your riding position (a good way is to lean against a wall with one hand). You should not be hunched over or ass out. Stand with both feet on the ground. Your nads should have half an inch of clearance (or more) above the top tube.
Frame	Not cracked or dented	Take a moment to clean your bike. Inspect it (especially at joints) for cracks or dents. This is a very rare occurrence but if it happens, so no bueno.
Cockpit	Not loose	With your bike on the ground, mash your front brake and rock the bike back and forth. The fork should not move relative to the frame (though for steel frames it may band a bit; this is normal and comfy).

Cargo

Component	Test	How to Confirm
Racks/bags	Should not be loose	Shake the shit outta all your stuff violently. It should not move. Ride around with your gear on your bike. Hop off some curbs and maybe hit a speed bump going full-speed. If anything falls off or loosens, figure out how to make that not happen.